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Chemistry and Politics

My personal chemistry situation borders on going out of control - at least in my opinion. Klonopin, now Doivan for my BP issues. I did some research on both and neither seem particularly appealing. Side effects such as anxiety(as if that's just what I needed), heart palpitations, hair loss, lower libido....wow, can it get much better? Oh ya, how about weight gain? After just losing over 80 lbs in the last year that's about the last thing I needed to hear. I'm five days into the Diovan and I already have serious questions whether or not its for me.

I went for a routine workout yesterday and during my cool down I almost passed out - that's never happened before - scared the shit out of me. Of course that just started the carousel of anxiety which precipitated a very quick ride home in the 911. All I really wanted was a nice morning ride in the sports car and a simple, good workout - now that seems at risk. Left a note with my new internist to see what she thinks about working out again. I hope its soon.

The new doc's practice is really unbelievable - excellent environment, with kind people. Shouldn't that be the norm rather than the exception? We'll see how it goes - she's the wife of my psych who's office is literally next door.

I've noticed lately that I have almost no interest in current events which is odd for me. I've really grown to loathe the media. Almost every story seems to be "created" by the media - the smallest of events are breaking news, if there isn't anything "breaking" then they'll find something. IMHO, the media is feeding American paranoia and is proving to be one of the most destabilizing forces in society. Combined with an American president who's concerns seem to be relegated to oil and spinning every one of his moves to maximize its appeal to the American public and I think we have a country in trouble. We are becoming more and more divided, with only the radicals from the right and the left remaining to debate our most important issues. Who stands for a truly United States of America anymore? Can we really expect our current political system to encourage young people who might fit that mold to want to serve? I guess time will tell but I for one am discouraged and concerned about our future.

Paternity leave is proving to be a fairly big adjustment. Its been 10 years since my last newborn and I've long since forgotten all the details of the experience. On the other hand this experience in many ways has been so different - the relationship with my "new" wife is infinitely more loving and collaborative - I'm 10 years older for what's that worth and have what I feel is a very different outlook on life at this age - some of it good...some not so good.

So the daughter is born and is absolutely gorgeous and most importantly healthy. My wife looks absolutely radiant but no touching for a month - not good.

BUT - had to see a doc about my blood pressure and I have a virus infection....can't anything be simple? Anxiety and paranoia continue to take over from time to time but I keep it to myself except for my weekly "meeting" with Dr. Steve and an occasional acknowledgement to my wife.

I thank God for so much but I really hate this anxiety crap - I think I need a new job.

The Running Man

T Minus two days until the birth of my daughter and things are starting to get exciting. I wonder incessantly about what she'll look like and who, Godwilling, she'll grow up to be. I hope I'm up to the task.

I've got to get another workout in today - there is absolutely nothing worse than maintenance workouts. After years of swimming competitively in the pool, striving for lofty goals, this is what Im left with - workout because its the healthy thing to do - whatever happened to the fun part? I think it's completely gone.

The one bright side, outside of living a little longer in what I can only identify as a world slipping into chaos, is that I'm running again. My motorcycle accident which damn near took my left leg almost 6 years ago left me without the ability to run. The prospect of not being able to do that ever again really started to weigh on me over the last couple years so I slowly started to try it out about 4 months ago. My last running workout went almost two miles - guess that's a good thing...the man is running.

Where's the Payoff??

We're on final approach to my third child, my wife's first and I am thrilled. My one wish is that my body would come along for the ride. Twice a day doses of Klonopin and a periodic and mysterious bout with high blood pressure leave me totally bummed. After losing 80 pounds over the last year one would think I'd be running around doing the cha-cha.

After all that effort you'd like to think there would be a better payoff but maybe the payoff is that Im still living?

Trains, Planes and Automobiles

Im thinking this just about sums it all up. Cars, airplanes...a few mre cars - motorcycles somewhere in there. Shouldn't I be feeling better about where my life is going?

Or is the butchered, age-old adage of money can't buy you happiness really true?

I'm starting to think so.